The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
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