and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
