next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I have already put on my inside pants.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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