There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
