i think my mom watched the whole time
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
