dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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