Well douche your snatch and let's go!
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
