My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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