totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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