can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
