I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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