so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
