So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
