you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
