I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
