I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
vagina is talking i cant
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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