remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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