Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
