Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize