I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
