He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
