I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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