dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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