If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize