dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
