i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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