Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
