So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
