On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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