I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
