So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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