I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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