I faked an abortion last night.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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