R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
