He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
