he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Dick very happy bro
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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