those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize