Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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