my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize