Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize