we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
