I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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