i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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