I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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