I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
