Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
