i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Your cock deserves a montage
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
