im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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