I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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