Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
