I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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