I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
