my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
