Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
