hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
