dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
