He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So vagazzling was a success
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