walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
