I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
