omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
