no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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