People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
