I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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