I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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