John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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