Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
